SunriseJanuary 7th, 2013

Indeed, your present condition is critical given your financial state of affairs.  But, over the last several miserable years, you have, believe it or not, awoken.

It is because of your misery that you began to write once again.  The last time you wrote anything of content on a regular basis was during your short breath of freedom traveling alone throughout Europe for over a year.  Remember that?  Remember…that was when you decided to become a landscape photographer?  That was when you picked your subject matter — the cascade volcanoes and the northwest coast.  What happened with that idea?  Yes, you did take some significant quality photographs with your large format camera and produced some fine prints, but that only lasted for a few years.  Eventually, you let yourself get swept up completely by the momentum–years rushed on by with the great wave.  You let yourself become numb and fell asleep.  Now it is time to begin the process of waking up.  Writing is a good sign that the sleeper has awoken.

You have also learned an important skill in the last year – surviving with very little.  You never were very good with money, credit, or debt, even when you were making big money.  The temptation to Live, when there was actually time to Live, over-powered any sense of restraint.  Not that you lived high off the hog.  Hell, all you did was enjoy eating out, traveling, paying for a house and car, golf, romance – of course that is all extra expense in addition to all the other shit that costs money to live “the dream”.  You were just doing what most people do that are riding with the momentum, except, you may have been a little more aware of how valuable the time to actually Live really was.  And, now that you have fallen from the crest of that momentum, you realize how insanely expensive it is to ride that wave and actually Live, both in terms of time and money.

Believe it or not, your current miserable job is also good for you.  You can actually see and feel the very base and nature of the wave and from where it draws its power.  You get to experience it firsthand — you and the other slaves that reluctantly perpetuate the momentum, with no benefits, and not enough money to live.  You can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel how much the human being is truly worth to the momentum.  In your previous high paying desk jobs, the pain and realization of your slavery, wasted time and energy, was masked by the thin veneer of sedation, contentment, and acceptance.  But now, when you are at work, there is no confusion…this is work…not a passion…not a career…not achievement…not fulfilling…not important…not important other than the fact one needs to engage with the momentum in some shape or form to be able to live.  The key difference is a clear, conscious break and divorce from any delusion that the momentum has anything to do with your passions, interests, or fulfillment.  The problem of course is…how do you get from living to Living and Becoming?

16 thoughts on “Awake

  1. this post makes me to think about a few questions…
    but the interesting one is this one: Do you have a life or you are just living?
    Are you happy with who you are? (no matter if you are a landscape photographer -this is a very nice job btw, or you have another job.) If you are happy with who you are than everything is just fine. Think about, if tomorrow you will meet on the street you, will you like what you see?

    • lmao…do I have a life…that is a good question White Spark…ha ha ha ha. This question you ask goes quite deep…and it will be the cornerstone of later posts. But in a nutshell…and you of all people should understand this…we are what we take in through our senses…they feed the internal self. It is how we spend most of our time and energy that defines us inside and out. If I were to walk down the street and meet myself I would say…nice guy with a good heart and some interesting thoughts…but I would rather meet myself not in a street…but rather somewhere out there amongst beauty…and see the ocean reflecting in my blue eyes…or see myself wandering among the streams and the snow-capped volcanoes…admiring the beauty and in a sense becoming the beauty itself…and this is a really short response…I haven’t even talked about how I would rather meet myself in a different Era…lol…of course then I would be on a horse with armor, shield, and sword…ha ha ha

      • It’s funny that you mention the horse and shield. I was just about to draw a connection between this piece and Don Quixote’s reason for venturing forth as a knight errant.

      • Really? Lol. Did u read Steppenwolf? Well…there is a background piece I posted about a passage from this book…read it if u have time…under category journal and it is piece two I think…and old Don Q is mentioned…quite honestly I haven’t followed up on Don Q…don’t know his story…but will check it out:)

      • That’s one I haven’t read. I think it would be really interesting for you to follow up on it. I read it in its entirety this fall. 900 something pages certainly isn’t an easy feat. But, well worth it, if you have the time. I’m sure you’ll find many parallels.

      • Let’s not even be earth-bound, for I rather meet you and I somewhere out there in space, on another planet in a different galaxy or even universe, in a transcended existence unbounded by our limited, fragile mind and body . . . .

        In any case, your essay seems to be a self-critique or stocktaking of your life.

        Should the opportunity and momentous occasion arise, hesitate not, Tincup. Take my hand, and come with me (and some aliens) to a never-ending intergalactic or interuniversal travel and discovery . . . . .

    • SoundEagle…this intergalactic or interuniversal travel and discovery would be one hell of an enriching experience would it not? Us mere mortals can only imagine it at special places and points in our lives…and then gravity throws us back down into the thick of human self-absorption. So rare is it that our humankind look up, or down…mostly we look at each other and all we make and do. It is for this reason that I adhere to Robinson Jeffers’ emphasis on “Inhumanism”…taking a broader perspective beyond human concerns.

      Yes, this is a self-critique…but by its very nature…it is also a critique of the human momentum. I have done a self-critique in writing before…but this one is an attempt to move get out of circular reference…to get out of the cage and roam now and again.

  2. Reading your posts always inspires me to write although I feel like right now I don’t know how to truly express what I want to in sentences and paragraphs …. damn, it feels like it’s been such a long time since I’ve been in the blogosphere … 🙂

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