It is not nearly enough to just be awake. Your current awareness is analogous to a patient waking up in a hospital bed after a decade-long coma. No, you are being too hard on and critical of yourself. You gave the momentum a try – it just isn’t for you. Regardless, now that you are awake, it is time to begin to think about how you will progress forward to living, and then becoming Alive. Since the goal is to become Alive, you need to reflect on what that means. After you have an understanding of what it means to be Alive, then you can begin to chart out a plan to live in order to become Alive.
And you must set realistic expectations. The moments to be Alive are going to be less than the moments to live. The moments to be Alive, given the momentum, have to be earned through pain, patience, and the precious expense of energy. In order to define what it is to be Alive, for you, a reflection into the past is essential. And the past can be broken up into broad periods – childhood, teens, twenties, thirties, and now. In each of these periods, you need to think about when you felt truly Alive. When did you feel the intensity and lust of being? When did you feel the delicate…the sublime? When did you experience the dark…the light? It is the extremes we are looking for here, not the norm, not the grey area that we expense most of our waking moments and energy. What were the mountain peaks…the deep dark chasms? Of course, childhood may be somewhat innocent and devoid of dark chasms, but nevertheless, this is where you need to begin.
To play off the last post…”Call of the Wild”…and in writing my next journal-like entry “Alive”, I think about making love with a woman I care about. And my thoughts are…is this the last act of our wildness? Is this the last bastion to feeling alive in our modern world? Is this the last link to intimacy with nature and our past, heightened senses, adrenaline, wild abandonment? Or, will it also be domesticated? Will technology, economics, and culture (which is becoming defined by the former) eliminate this final link to our wild past? Already, I see economics and technology at work — the advertisements selling products for sexual enhancements..drugs…gadgets…things. There is no need for enhancements when you are truly in love. And there is of course methods to create life without any type of physical connection…the test tube baby…genetic engineering…and so on…and so on. Will we take this final step to sever the last link to our wildness? Will we neuter everything connected to our beautiful and raw natural past? “Oh Brave New World…with such people in it.”
As I attempt to recuperate, after four nights of slave labor, I had a thought to get me on to my next journal entry. It seems, to me, that we lost something when we became civilized. I can’t quite put my finger on it. But, it seems like we exchanged our wild nature for a domesticated existence. Through that exchange, it seems to me…that we lost something valuable. We exchanged fear for security, survival for co-dependence, hunger for contentment, cold for warmth, toughness for softness…alert senses for sleep. Are we like dogs, cattle, sheep, or animals caged in a zoo?