A Generation Xer

This is my biographical wrap-up or summary that I will keep public.  My more detailed biographical posts have served their purpose and I have taken those private.  I think that a self-analysis within the context of our current construct serves as a means to reflect on our culture, a generation, and to understand oneself.  My assumption is that I am unfortunately not unique, rather I represent in some shape or form Generation X or Generation 13.  I am merely an event of a sample of that larger population.  If you have studied statistical theory you will understand what I am arguing.  Certainly I made individual decisions (some against my inner being) and possess personal characteristics (some good and some bad) that have defined my path and current predicament (discontent, member of the long-term unemployed, bankrupt), but I am more interested in the broad strokes.

My broad views or thoughts are really nothing more than a snap shot of my generation’s consciousness.  I have a deep concern over environmental destruction.  As I have mentioned on recent high-level posts on the soul, I am making the argument that we are destroying the environment (overpopulation and consumption) based on my sense perception as opposed to a scientific methodology.  Another broad sentiment is a feeling of disfranchisement from established constructs and goals that all seem to be tied in or heavily influenced by a hyper-focus on capitalism and economics.  This economic system is dependent on a growing population which simply creates a circular reference.  I fear that the world-wide economic system is swamped in debt and casino-like investing resulting in a house of cards that will one day collapse.  If we think about all the other major additional problems including poverty, ignorance, religious and cultural differences, nuclear threat, terrorism, limited oil, and scarce natural resources, it seems we simply keep borrowing on future generations and pushing our problems outward without solving them.  I experience a sense of paralysis when confronting seemingly insurmountable problems created by humanity.   You will find these same types of broad perceptions and descriptions when researching what defines Generation X — but the key hint regarding Generation X is that it is undefined, disoriented, confused, disfranchised, and directionless as a whole.  Individuals within Generation X will find their way and some won’t, but the whole doesn’t have a unified or general agreement on a direction.  The want or desire is there, but the answer is amiss.

My struggle to make my way given the above framework has revealed a key personal characteristic — a fear or a feeling of dis-contentment with the idea of committing to a single purpose or cause.  I had the potential to be a professional athlete, but felt like that was too restricting and narrow.  When I looked into becoming a landscape photographer I became disheartened when photographic institutions recommended wedding, portrait, fashion or product photography to earn a living.  My decade plus in business was marked by several company and job changes due to dis-contentment and further internal and external observations of corruption, greed, and layoffs.  I left my marriage because I was discontent with what it had become versus what I expected love to be.  And money, the bedrock of our current construct, has never commanded my respect.  I used money to live and enjoy life, but I never saved for a rainy day nor had any concern about making money.  This broad personal characteristic (among others) combined with no passionate belief in a direction led to my train wreck.  There has been no fear of change, but certainly a fear, or boredom, or dis-contentment with commitment. 

My observations, education, and life experiences have not enabled me to find a purpose or meaningful direction for myself or that of humanity.  I can only discuss purpose through abstract ideas or ideal Utopian constructs.  I crave a passionate personal purpose; I desire to join my fellow humans in energetic momentum towards noble and worthwhile goals, but I find no concrete answers to my quest.  I contemplate the expanse and wonder of the known universe and then turn my lens on humanity and myself only to find a wasteland of potential purposeful energy.  A few rare human examples or cultures have risen above the waste-heap and they offer rays of hope and potential.  But for now I find myself in pure survival mode with a goal to help raise my son.  I can look outward and inward to explain my current deplorable condition, but the only means to climb out of my hole is inward for the outward simply moves along through its own meandering momentum – a momentum that I fear is leading to a catastrophe of monumental proportions.  I therefore must retreat to the bowels of the economic construct to survive.   If I can pull myself out of my current hole then I can pursue higher personal aims like capturing beauty with the camera lens.  But the odds and time are against me.  All I can do is work hard to dig myself out and hope for a little luck.  If not, there is another alternative.  I really don’t have the answers, but I have never understood the alternatives.  Do you?