Thank you White Spark for this music…it is perfect.
To play off the last post…”Call of the Wild”…and in writing my next journal-like entry “Alive”, I think about making love with a woman I care about. And my thoughts are…is this the last act of our wildness? Is this the last bastion to feeling alive in our modern world? Is this the last link to intimacy with nature and our past, heightened senses, adrenaline, wild abandonment? Or, will it also be domesticated? Will technology, economics, and culture (which is becoming defined by the former) eliminate this final link to our wild past? Already, I see economics and technology at work — the advertisements selling products for sexual enhancements..drugs…gadgets…things. There is no need for enhancements when you are truly in love. And there is of course methods to create life without any type of physical connection…the test tube baby…genetic engineering…and so on…and so on. Will we take this final step to sever the last link to our wildness? Will we neuter everything connected to our beautiful and raw natural past? “Oh Brave New World…with such people in it.”
Our Love was forbidden from the start — married man with child falling in Love with a single mom at work. All those secret rendezvous – some people find that exciting, but it wasn’t…it was pressure…the whole weight of outward and inward social norms crushing down on a delicate budding flower.
I remember exactly when I began to fall for you. It was on that business trip we took together…alone…to Florida. We had known each other for several years, but this was the first time we were alone together. We worked alongside one another during the day and went out to dinner in the evening and then drove back to the same hotel…only to repeat the cycle for the entire week. It was on the flight home…you were half asleep…when I let my head rest on your shoulder. From that point on, the feelings grew…no one could stop it….not even you. The flower was in full bloom. I received all kinds of advice from those closest to me, but the words sounded like a foreign language compared to the passion of a deafening thunderbolt.
If the social pressures weren’t enough…add the black and white laws of corrupt capitalism. Corrupt capitalism drove us from the west to the east…took me away from my son…forced you to sell your house for a loss…what other choice did we have when they shut down the west coast headquarters in the name of “synergies”? My ex-wife hadn’t worked for years — I couldn’t just take severance and hope to find a job in one month. You may have had time to land something, but then we would be apart. And so we accepted the company’s ultimatum and moved across the country to begin our new life under one roof. Since I negotiated a healthy increase in salary and bonus, I had enough money to support two lives, the old and the new…and I was able to travel and see my son once a month.
And then, after two years, corrupt capitalism reared its ugly head once again. All those fucking assholes, the legalized and protected criminals, brought down the financial system…which led our company to “layoff” 10,000 human beings…with no option to stay on at a lower wage…escorting them out of the building like they were guilty of a crime… treating them like a bunch of fucking dogs. I couldn’t take it anymore. I took the severance package instead of hanging on at a lower salary like all of the other more politically connected, mindful, nipple sucking slaves… well, you know what… fuck those cowards…let them rot in hell for all I care. I know…they are only thinking of caring for their own families…I know the argument and logic..well…what about the other 10,000 little people who didn’t have a fucking choice?
Over-time, unable to secure a new job on the east or west coast, the expense of living the old and the new life depleted all my “worldly resources”, and the time came for a decision. All I had left in my possession was my energy and Love…and that energy was divided… between you and my son…I chose my son. The process of contemplating this decision tore something out of my mind…and the hole remains…all the way the through.
You’re an amazing woman, tough, strong, beautiful inside and out…a fighter. But I know, under all that armor, you have a gentle heart. You deserve more than half of my energy. But my son…he is just a little being…still developing…he needs all of my energy to grow strong and healthy. Just as you have given so much of your energy to your son, so I need to do the same. You, of all people, should understand this gut wrenching decision. I still Love you, but you deserve a man who can give you everything… and nothing less.
There are those that will smile at this outcome, but they of course are advocates of the status quo and perpetuate all that is….from the meaning of the marriage contract…to believing in capitalism even in its morphed and corrupted form. To them…I say…I would do it all over again…poverty is worth the price of pursuing Love…just like poverty is worth the price of pursuing what you know to be true…for you.
I never expected to see a person like you in that sterile classroom preparing for the business graduate exam. But there you were – long black hair raining down your shoulders and back – hair………black as a panther ……..touching beautiful olive colored skin. I had seen women with features like yours before when I was traveling through the Mediterranean, but it wasn’t just your features – it was the way you carried yourself…with so much ease and grace. It wasn’t until the last class that I got the nerve to linger longer than is appropriate…and ask you out.
Do you remember that first night together? We had a few drinks, but that wasn’t why we were laughing – it was because our personalities were so alike…as though we were brother and sister. I discovered you went to a special high school where the curriculum centered around the classic Latin language…yet another heart piercing arrow hit the mark. It wasn’t long after that I asked for your hand in marriage. Of course we had to have two ceremonies, one in the church (you were an hour late!) to appease your family, and one on the beautiful coast of Rhode Island. You looked so beautifully surreal on our wedding day…I don’t know how we lost it along the way. Life, it seems, can grind Love down. But, I don’t want to dwell on that, rather, I want to say some other words.
We moved to the Northwest after graduate school, not for a job, but so I could pursue, in my free time, photographic excursions amongst the Cascade Range and along the Oregon coast. You were so patient and giving on those journeys. Thank you. We created a beautiful son when we were still in Love – you can see this is true by observing who he is and the essence of his being. We have both overcome our lost Love to ensure we are both there for him….until the time comes when he earns his wings. Through him, we have learned about another kind of Love – one that places another above oneself.
You may not have known, but you also were no longer in Love. You know now, the importance I place in Love between two beings – perhaps it is a fault, but if Love is gone, you must face that realization and not linger for the wrong reasons. You are stronger now, independent, making your way, finding your way, and perhaps one day you will find Love once again. You may have recently sampled its power, but that wasn’t Love. Love has to be equal between the two beings. And it seems, Love is comprised of a dual nature — the freedom for each to purse their own ends, but to also put another above oneself. Enduring Love…perhaps… is a fragile balancing act. You are free from him now – find it…or pursue something of interest…whatever that may be.
Dear Second Love,
Do you remember that night at the San Francisco Symphony? You were sitting between me and our mutual friend through whom we came to know one another. He liked you, but I couldn’t restrain myself any longer as the intoxicating music led my hand secretly to yours for that first soft gentle touch. Gentle touches evolved into passion and from passion into fire. So many memorable days and nights together on that beautiful campus. You really were a sexy, smart, sassy southern California girl, but I admired that you remained grounded in your original culture. Both families accepted our Love and so it seemed we had a future.
But, we both graduated and off we went to earn our way — you to Southern California and me across the ocean to Europe. We bridged the distance via the written word and overcame the obstacles threatening our Love. You left your job and secured an internship in Europe — together again not just in spirit, but in the flesh. You were expecting the proposal, and rightly so, but it never came. All those romantic opportunities in Paris, or Tuscany, or Venice, or Vienna, or Salzburg — a little planning, a little thought, a few words, to ask for your hand. And when you asked me to accompany you back to the U.S. as you pursued your graduate Ivy League education, I said not now, for I had planned a year-long journey throughout the old world — a year of complete and total freedom. You said there would be consequences…and I accepted the challenge, promising to return after my journey.
Upon my return, you had a boyfriend, but that didn’t stop us from sharing a bed. I knew he was nothing more than revenge. And I was excited, for I had discovered my path — landscape photography. You, like the others, frowned upon my discovery. And I understand. A life with a man pursuing such a dream would be full of struggles and poverty. You loved me for my thoughts, but perhaps more for my potential in the world of business. You appeared ready to let go — and so I went.
I was shocked when you called me so upset, crying, when you learned of my marriage. You said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were thinking of getting married?” Well, the thought never crossed my mind…you loved me for who I might become, not for who I was, both the good and the bad. You recently contacted me and I learned you are living in Hong Kong, probably making loads of money — that you are married to an English journalist and you recently gave birth to a daughter. I bet she is beautiful. I wish you Joy and that your Love endures. Perhaps you contacted me to ensure you made the right decision. You did. I am poor and continue to struggle finding my way through this maze of mediocrity.
Dear First Love,
We both liked each other for years, but the stars weren’t aligned, until we decided to rearrange them. Remember that first night we spent together… outside the high-school auditorium — embracing behind the columns and kissing for so long that is seemed like the earth, the sun, and the moon… were no longer in motion? Do you remember that night we spent up in the foothills…laying together on a blanket — the breeze blowing through the long silver grass, the moonlit fog spilling over the mountains, the Bay Area lights twinkling far down below in the distance? The Love I felt for you was as true as I have known.
Why did we let anything come between this first and pure Love? I vowed to preserve your innocence to respect your religious upbringing — you misinterpreted my perseverance as rejection. My recent girlfriend harassed you with calls and tears and hoisted guilt upon our shoulders. You constantly implied… that I should go back to her. And when I did…I discovered your fury and the true Love you harbored for me…within your barricaded heart. But it was too late. I betrayed our Love through a series of misunderstandings and weakness — all that remained in your heart was a tease of sweet lingering revenge. Forgive me, my first Love, for I didn’t know the trials and ways to earn the complete trust of a woman’s heart…and something not of this world slipped away into the ether… never to be found again.
certain in your heart he is the one
that there could be no other
Fly across the world to embrace
and promise everlasting love
But there will be those days and nights
when you feel alone even in his presence
Now we breathe the same the air
feel the same wind
see the same moon
hear the same drops of rain
wander along the same ocean
admire the same mountain peaks
Where ever you go I have been
Where ever I go you have been
A distant undeveloped haunting
so close yet so far
wondering what might have been
had fate and chance
intervened at another time