Fall from Grace

Big WaveJanuary 4th, 2013

It is difficult to realize how far you have fallen in the eyes of others, without agreeing with that general perception.  You heard, from another source, that your parents look upon you as one who has made several poor decisions.  You have an intuitive feel that they have condemned you as a failure.  It must be tough to look upon a son in such a manner, but perhaps it reaffirms, in their own minds, that they made the right choices and lived life the way it should be lived.  If they don’t look upon you as a failure, then they pity you, which is even worse.

There might be a kind of bitterness between us, a divide – you made almost all of your major decisions without their counsel and support, except for one, that resulted in a lost decade and continuance on the great wave.  What good is their counsel, when they can’t understand and support your desires to break free of exactly what they believe is the right momentum — that momentum that they thoroughly embrace and from which they were richly rewarded?  You were also rewarded…so as long as you played the game.  Oh the lucky few that had parents willing to support and encourage a direction that may differ from their own and the general human gravitational pull.  I know – parents just want their kids to be happy and prosper, but often they mistakenly impose their definition of happiness and prosperity onto their kids.

And there are other disapproving and pitying eyes, friends (acquaintances), other family members, the general public, that also look upon you as a failure.  A “well educated” man, raised by a relatively wealthy family, provided with all the tools and resources to participate in and succeed with the momentum, but finds the momentum shallow and insane.   A man, in the first half of his forties, working the grave yard shift for eleven dollars per hour, divorced, a father, renting a bedroom for six hundred bucks a month, in debt, just scraping by…what a disgrace…how embarrassing…how pitiful.

You were once a respectable member of the momentum and perpetuating its course– division one athlete on scholarship, a “Vice President” hauling in good money, a family man married to a beautiful wife.  Now, you are none of these.  These things that you were perceived to be are all perceptions from the past.  The imposter has been unsheathed.  Is this a mid-life crisis?  Well, yes and no.  Your current condition can be viewed as a crisis, and you are in mid-life should you live to an average age, but discomfort in and with the momentum has been present since youth and has only increased through real life experience and observation.

And let there be no doubt, you are in a crisis, relative to the momentum.  This is certainly no joy ride… your head barely visible in the deep trough of the swelling wave.  How do you duck underneath, without being slammed to the rocks…while your limp corpse is swept ashore…food for the crabs?  And if you can duck underneath, once the wave has rolled on by, how do you stay afloat in the vast uncaring ocean?  You barely know how to swim, having simply ridden along with the momentum for so long.  And if you learn to swim, in what direction are you to go?  And the sharks, the thirst, the hunger, the heat and the cold, how will you ever make it to the safety of a new shore?

9 thoughts on “Fall from Grace

  1. Hi, thankyou for a nice word for the “flow” I think writers have used before, momentum is more explanatory. I know of what you are talking falling from self employed designer because my disability overtook the wave and became the motor in my existance. I just wondered how much the need to tear oneself away from family and their needs and requirements to be oneself on one’s own terms influenced what you have written?

    • Yes, I like the word “momentum” better than the word “direction”…in fact…I have considered changing the header of this blog from “direction” to “momentum”. I think the word “flow” would be too complimentary to describe the nature of mankind’s momentum. I attribute the word “flow” as more free and images of nature and the universe come to mind…not mankind. And…momentum is something created and perpetuated…it could be stopped, changed…redirected…in theory. Flow seems to be more eternal in nature.

      I am sorry to hear about your disability. I admire those that are self-employed. Most of my discomfort expressed via momentum is directed at big institutions.

      I haven’t torn myself completely away from family. Let me just say I have a better understanding of myself relative to them and what I want to become. My parents came from a different circumstance and era…I don’t look down on them and don’t blame them for my circumstance. They provided for a pleasant upbringing. But they have had a strong influence, mentally and financially, which has hindered my development in what I wanted and want to become. Regarding my own family…I spend most of my free time with my now ten year old son…he is a key focal point. As these journal-like posts continue this will all become more clear…I hope:-)

      Thank you for your comment carpetbeater.

  2. I am interested to see where these journals take me and what lessons I will learn. Your insights are a bit too personal to comment on… as my stories are meant for those with lessons to learn. Let me look upon this lesson as wisdom… the wisdom I failed to learn early on I wish I would have taken the time…

    • You can comment or ask questions if something comes to mind…indeed I was a little uncomfortable posting the first journal-like entry…but I am getting more comfortable with it. I share your same sentiment…stories or expressions that may have lessons for others…perhaps the young…those with the most potential and most to lose…and there are lots of young people on WordPress…in their teens or early twenties…preparing to enter the “Adult” world…the one that has the power to mold them rather than the other way around. I saw your recent poem and read through it once…a powerful piece…will enjoy reading it over a few more times before heaping praise upon it 🙂

  3. Ah TC – you are so much younger than I thought – early 40s and symbolically still living in your parents’ basement? You are in charge of your life and need to let go of parents and what you perceive of how others think of you. You have been through major changes but who hasn’t? Your abilities to express and your intellectual prowess are higher than most but your inner child still reaches out for answers. I hear you my friend.

  4. l will click the ‘like’ button, not to mean that your hardship pleases me but that I like how you talk/write about it.

    I read once, somewhere, I don’t remember where, that in America financial hardship is perceived as a disgrace and you’re seen as done for, whereas in Britain it’s just a misfortune and is regarded more kindly. There maybe some truth there, I don’t know.

    That it’s perceived as a fall from grace doesn’t necessarily make it one. I see it as a moulting. A moulding of a new you, a you you’ll perhaps eventually be more comfortable with, living true to what you really believe in as opposed to going along with the ‘machine’ and the momentum.

    Just you keep keeping on. At least your son gets to see more of his Dad (I believe), right? If so then there IS a winner in all this, I think. One you don’t mind having win.

    • Kat,
      Yes, I know it is very disgraceful here in the U.S. Those with the power and success have a skewed view much like those that have never tasted power or success…they think…this is the land of freedom and opportunity…a place to be and do whatever you want if you work hard. Well, that is simply a myth. Perhaps it was true to some degree in the past…I don’t know. Yes, I Agree with you…although it is a perceived fall from grace…it is exactly the opposite…I often see the world in inverse relationships to the momentum…lol. Yes, my son is a winner in all this to some degree, but I must grow strong and carve my way…he needs to see this.

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